Asshole cops and the killings of innocent dogs

Radley Balko has a disturbing and infuriating piece (words that usually describe most of what he writes, anyway) at The Daily Beast, where he once again focuses on the militarization of police as they keep fucking up raids – and keep shooting down innocent and perfectly harmless dogs in the process. It's a horrible and disgusting trend that only Balko seems to dare to cover, so very much kudos to him for taking the lead in the matter.

The piece is long and tormenting, and makes a number of infuriating or otherwise shocking revelations. For example, did you know that dog-killings are increasing every year? That there are 250 to 300 cases reported in the media every single year, with estimates on unreported incidents rising into the thousands? That many of the dogs being killed are breeds as inoffensive as Dalmatians, Labradors, Boxers and Spaniels? And that many other dog killings are about miniature Dachshunds, or 5-pound Chihuahuas? And, perhaps most importantly of all: that New York is the only state to mandate standard courses in dealing with dogs for cops – despite the ASPCA and other organizations' repeated generous offers to train cops themselves?

As Balko says in his last words: there's no doubt that sometimes, a cop truly does have to shoot an animal to save himself or bystanders. The problem is that far too often, lethal force is the first option taken, not the last.

(via The Agitator)

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The government moves to save wild horses (and burros)?

I know, I'm shocked too. Okay, not shocked, but this is a pleasant surprised: the House has voted to expand the range available to America's wild horses and burros, which will free them from spending eternities in small padlocks and pulling them away from execution:

WASHINGTON » The House has voted to expand the range of the nation's wild horses and burros by millions of acres and to block a plan to kill thousands of the animals to prevent overgrazing.

The bill passed 239-185 Friday.

Supporters say the additional land and other measurers are needed to free thousands of mustangs and burros from holding pens and to prevent their slaughter.

An estimated 36,000 wild horses and burros live in 10 Western states. Federal officials estimate that's about 9,400 more than can exist in balance with other rangeland resources.

The measure would stop the government from slaughtering healthy horses and prohibit keeping them in holding pens for more than six months

Great news for animal-lovers everywhere.

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A year in jail for Cheyenne Cherry the kitten-killer

You will undoubtedly remember that horrible story about the young teenage girl who threw a little kitten in a stove to burn to death just as a "joke" to someone whose room she and a friend were ransacking. Kids these days have all the best ideas when it comes to pranks, don't they?

Well, we finally have a little bit of good news: the heartless bitch is being thrown in jail for a year for her inhumane crime, while the accomplice, who is supposedly the one who actually locked the kitten in the stove, is facing serious charges without us knowing what her sentencing will be.

A heartless kitty killer hissed angrily at animal rights activists Wednesday, grinning widely as she took credit for stuffing the helpless pet into a 500-degree oven.

"It's dead, bitch!" snapped an unrepentant Cheyenne Cherry, sticking her tongue out after a plea bargain that will put her behind bars for a year in the May 6 killing of tiny Tiger Lily.

Cherry, 17, was confronted after her guilty plea in Bronx Supreme Court to charges of animal cruelty and attempted burglary in the May 6 killing at her former roommate's apartment.

Tiger Lily was left to die inside the blistering oven after Cherry and a 14-year-old friend trashed the apartment of Valerie Hernandez, destroying furniture before stealing DVDs and food.

After her arrest, Cherry told police the cat killing was "just a joke."

Yes, how hilarious. An innocent creature suffered an unbelievably cruel death, just because amoral teenagers decided to have their fun by ransacking someone's home. And then the bitch had the gall to taunt and flaunt her vile act at the face of those who had assembled there ... Truly incredible.

I don't customarily agree with journalists' labeling of crooks in their news pieces, but calling Cherry a "heartless kitty killer" is something I'd even applaud. It's certainly the best thing she'll be called, I bet, compared to a few choice words other may have in store for her.

The article mentions how Cherry is now prohibited from owning a pet for a pathetic little three years. There's a poll:

Kitten killer Cheyenne Cherry can't own a pet for three years. Is that long enough?

• No, she should be banned from ever owning a pet, period.

• Yes, by then perhaps she'll learn to have compassion for animals.

NOTE – There seems to be a glitch with the poll; the original question asks whether her being banned from owning a pet for three years is long enough, but the poll's results are from the question "Does Cheyenne Cherry deserve more than one year in prison for the brutal death of a kitten?" (which she does at any rate).

I do think she needs to be kept in jail for more than a single year, and she should be prohibited from coming anywhere near animals for a decade at the very least. I don't discount the possibility (however remote) that she may change her ways of thinking, but until then, she's a complete psychopath and a danger to any innocent creatures around her.

I fail to imagine what would happen – literally – if someone did something like that to my little Kaylee, and then was fucking stupid enough to taunt me about it.

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Oh noes! Our favorite gay penguin couple has split – because of a girl

Damn those infernal feminine temptresses! Beguilers of straight men, ruiners of pocketbooks, killers of men's patience during shopping sessions, wreckers of gay couples ...

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. -- The San Francisco Zoo’s popular same-sex penguin couple has broken up.

Male Magellan penguins Harry and Pepper have been together since 2003. The pair nested together and even incubated an egg laid by another penguin in 2008, but their relationship hit the rocks earlier this year when a female penguin, Linda, befriended Harry after her long-time companion died.

This did not go over well with Pepper, who became violent. The three penguins were separated for some time following the fight.

"They have been doing okay since,” said Zookeeper Jennifer Katz. “They have been getting along okay. But Pepper is by himself now, so we are keeping an eye on the three of them."

On Friday they appeared to be back on good terms, as they were re-introduced back into their enclosure.

Zookeepers say Harry and Linda are happy and were able to successfully nest this year.

Anti-gay bigots using this example as "more proof that there is no real homosexuality in animals" in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Sad news though. =( I'd already covered this very couple back in June; it was just so cute. That Linda's nothing but a no-good homewrecker. Pfft.

Any dibs on Pepper?

(via Dispatches from the Culture Wars)

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Who says we evolved from monkeys?

This is just more compelling evidence that proves how our simian overlords are our intellectual superiors. Eat your heart out, Banana Man.

We know NOTHING.

(via Pharyngula)

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Who says animals can't dance?

Horribly clichéd and disturbingly cute, I know ... but it's so neat!

(via The Examining Room)

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What the hell is going on with youths these days?

What could possibly be leading young adults to such disgusting acts of utter barbarity and cruelty towards innocent and helpless animals? First we had Cheyenne Cherry and her abhorrent act of delinquent depravity (which I won't detail here – its' really just too gruesome), and now, reports are coming in about a young man from Miami who's been arrested and accused of the grotesque mutilations and murders of over twenty cats, with many more such cases possibly linked to him as well.

For the past month, shocked pet owners in the Palmetto Bay and Cutler Bay neighborhoods have reported finding more than two dozen cats killed and mutilated. Some of the dead cats were missing fur and appeared to have been cut with a sharp, straight instrument, police said.

Tyler Weinman, 18, was taken into custody early Sunday at a party, police said. Weinman was charged with 19 counts of animal cruelty, 19 counts of improperly disposing of an animal body and four counts of burglary.

Police put the home of one of Weinman's parents under surveillance several weeks ago after receiving tips from community members, said Miami-Dade Police Department Maj. Julie Miller.

"This terrible time has drawn us together as a community, further emphasizing the importance of knowing our neighbors, communicating with each other, and always staying vigilant to suspicious activities whenever or wherever they may occur in our village," said Palmetto Bay Mayor Eugene Flinn.

Weinman was being questioned by police Sunday. It was not clear if he had an attorney. Messages left at phone numbers for his parents were not immediately returned.

In all, the deaths of more than 30 cats were under investigation, but Miller said some of those cats were likely killed by dogs. She said additional arrests might be forthcoming, but she declined to name other suspects.

I do hope this deranged fuckwit gets himself a good, hard psychological analysis performed on him – he seriously needs it, if his idea of fun is apparently prowling the streets and carving up any innocent housecats he finds. Christ.

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Now THIS is bound to help the furry fandom's public image ...

Here's a nice bit of news that's sure to give the furry fandom even more pleasant and fair media coverage and public reaction that it already has (*bites knuckles*): a man in Washington state has been put in jail for 30 days and is forbidden from owning pets for two full years after having been caught having sex with his two dogs. And – as you can guess from what I've written previously – he's a furry.

Great.

Troy Whitson entered an Alford plea Monday in Lewis County Superior Court, meaning he admitted no wrongdoing but acknowledged he'd likely be convicted.

The 21-year-old from the town of Cinebar (SI'-ne-bahr) is restricted from owning animals for two years.

His malamutes have been placed with new owners.

Prosecutor Michael Golden said Whitson is a member of a group known as Furries who identify with animals and dress the part in makeup, ears and tail.

Grrr ... How I hate media misrepresentation. You could devote a lifetime to explaining something to folks and the general masses, and then one sloppy news report comes in and you're screwed. For example, the above makes it sound like all furries dress in make-up and costumes (known as "fursuits"), which is actually a behavior undertaken by only the more ardent followers and/or fanatics of the fandom. Most furries are really no different than anyone else; the only thing that makes them a furry is they happen to identify with the furry fandom and take part in it, writing stories, making art, attending conventions, whatever.

But of course, the point of the article is less about the guy being a furry, than about him ... well, screwing the pooch(es). (Oh God, even I think I should be shot for that horror-of-a-pun.)

While I certainly am one of the most vehement animal abuse-haters in the land, this time I cannot really condemn the guy for his acts. First, because the report fails to state just how much abuse the dogs were submitted to (if any – I'm talking physical pain and beatings here, not just the sex), and second ... This is all relative to personal moralities and what is Right and Wrong, but personally ... I really don't care about the guy having sex with his dogs. Instead of viewing all this through morals and values and whatever, I try and view things logically and rationally: who's being hurt? Who isn't?

Quite simply: if the dogs are not physically or psychologically harmed in any way (and I'm not saying they weren't, I'm just stipulating here), and nor is the human ... then quite literally, "where is the harm"? Should we not do things, just because of societal taboos or popular stigma or such, even if, in specific conditions and situations, there's actually no harm being done?

I know this is the single oddest post I've ever made to date (and "oddest" is light compared to what some of you may be calling it), but I just wanna lay it out. Say the animal isn't physically hurt (and nor is the man), nor is it bullied into submission but willingly accepts the act (because – well, it's sex. Feels good for many animals as well as humans) – then what would be the real harm in doing it?

Yes, societal taboos, stigmas and general no-no's do have their worth and importance, because often they are rule of thumbs that apply to general situations. But if the stars align and all that ... well, personally, I really can't condemn it. Not that I'd ever do it myself, but if others do it, I'm just not gonna raise such a fuss about it.

Unless the animal actually is harmed. In which case my tolerance tends to turn south rather quickly. And a brick flies through the air towards the guy's skull.

Okay, enough about that ...

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More PETA insanity: why attack your own kind, you imbeciles!?

I'm starting to think PETA, in addition to being plain crazy in everything they do, are also trying to subvert other animal defense organizations and form a sort of monopoly on the animal rights cause. This new bit of news certainly entertains that notion: Friends of Animals, one of those non-insane animal rights organizations I fully support and endorse, is facing legal pressure from the self-righteous lunatics at PETA who are trying to shut down their Primarily Primates animal refuge for creatures such as chimps, orangutans, lemurs, and so forth. Anyone who knows them – and the refuge – knows they are certainly some of the best folks in the world to be taking care of these animals.

So why the hell is PETA trying to destroy it? You guessed it: pure megalomania, supported via unfounded claims, pathetic "witnesses", and so forth. Below is a video on the matter from FoA's YouTube channel.

This is insane. So, what can we do to stop it? I'm not sure, but vocally shouting PETA down certainly can't hurt. Sign some petitions, perhaps. And – most of all – send your support (and, if you can, a bit of your money) their way. They clearly need all the help they can get.

Friends of Animals are the kind of animal rights groups who, instead of vandalizing animal research labs and clinics, try and introduce bills that would find new alternatives to animal testing (a bill which, naturally, failed). Who instead of using disgusting and base tactics to try and subvert and/or coerce people into following their beliefs, use sense and reason and debating to try and make people see the light. Who, overall, don't act like the immoral lunatics PETA have become, quite simply. I would donate heartily to them if I had any money, and would definitely join if I were in any position to do so. But I cannot, so instead, let's just focus on beating the shit out of PETA. 'Cause they're seriously starting to deserve it.

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PETA defines "pro-life" and "pro-choice"

Oh, how we all love to hate PETA. Um, no – how we all plain hate PETA, rather. Their insanely hypocritical, disingenuous and morally-corrupted actions and goals have long-since pushed away the very vast majority of individuals who might've one day joined them in their misguided efforts to protect innocent animal life. Here's just yet another example of their insufferable self-righteousness and grotesque opportunism: they're setting up billboards in Wichita, Kansas, spreading their message of vegetarianism^[1].

Three guesses why.

WICHITA - A national animal rights group plans to erect billboards in Wichita urging people on both sides of the abortion debate to go vegetarian.

One version of the billboard says, "Pro-Life? Go Vegetarian." The other says, "Pro-Choice? Choose Vegetarian." Both feature a photo of three baby chicks.

Lindsay Rajt, campaign manager for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, said the billboards were prompted by the recent shooting death of abortion doctor George Tiller, who was killed Sunday at his church.

"The discussion of the value of life is front and center right now in the public conversation," Rajt said.

"We think we would be irresponsible if we don't talk about how we're all guilty of extreme cruelty to animals every time we sit down to a meal that includes meat."

So merely eating meat (and, dare I say, enjoying it) makes us omnivorous humans "guilty of extreme cruelty to animals". Never mind that we don't condone, or often are even aware of, the few isolated incidents of actual animal cruelty in slaughterhouses. Never mind that most of us meat-eaters – as with humans in general – either like or love animals and take their well-being to heart. Nah ... just because some few slaughterhouses are less-than-humane, ANYONE who eats meat, at all, is a massive hypocrite and guilty of cruelty on par with the shit dealt in Abu Ghraib or something.

Nice.

Leave it to PETA to take a tragedy like Dr. Tiller's murder, twist all meaning out of it, and plaster their message over it for advertising value. Heartless bastards.

But then, is it really that hard not to be surprised at these sorts of tactics? Hell, this is rather "lite" compared to some of their more heavy-handed methods, such as drenching people wearing fur coats in bucketloads of blood, dumping a tonne of horse shit on a private property in retaliation for horse-meat eating and distribution, and so forth. But of course, one only needs to remember their track record of killing somewhere near 90% of all the animals in their care, most of which are perfectly viable for adoption into loving homes, to realize how PETA simply has zero, zip, nada credibility in anything they do or say at all. Them's the breaks, for hypocrites.

---

^{[1] I still stand by my view that anyone who actually enjoys the tastes of tofu, rice cakes and the likes should have their taste buds declared legally insane.}

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Mesmerizing

'Cause PZ Myers simply can't have put it better than that, and nor can I. I'm not a fanatic of jellies in particular, but you can't deny they do look amazingly alien, especially in the right context. And when you add entrancing music with beautiful and subtle shots of them, like in the video below, the effect is simply ... hypnotic.

"Drifters of the deep" from Eugenia Loli-Queru on Vimeo.

*Drools absent-mindedly*

(via Pharyngula)

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Follow NO HR-669 on Twitter

The first hearing has just completed; this attendee says it seems to have gone very well for our side (you know, the side that wishes to allow the ownership of exotic animals in U.S. ...), but no final verdict yet. Keep following – I know I am.

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It's not entirely hopeless for overpopulated shelters ...

Not if they follow this example, that is. Thousands and thousands of dogs are getting saved literally each week via "transfers", ie. transferring animals from overcrowded shelters to other housings that still have some place left. This is particularly helpful for high-kill shelters that really just don't have any more room for new arrivals, which just keep coming nonetheless.

PetSmart Charities' Rescue Waggin' is the volume leader in moving pets from shelters where there's no chance they'll be adopted to shelters where they're almost certain to get new homes quickly.

Its four transport trucks carry dogs and puppies from shelters mostly in the Midwest and South (92,000 animals are euthanized annually in Louisiana shelters alone, Smith says) to shelters primarily in the North and Northeast, where pet owners have long sterilized their pets and overpopulation has largely been brought under control.

In four years, Rescue Waggin' has transported more than 25,000 dogs for placement in new homes; officials expect to cover 400,000 miles this year and move 8,000 to 10,000 dogs and puppies. "They're generally adopted within three days of reaching the receiving shelter," says Kimberly Noetzel of PetSmart Charities.

In Los Angeles, Pup My Ride has, in less than two years, saved more than 1,000 small dogs that were "red-tagged," or scheduled to be put down. Animal lovers looked across state lines and took advantage of a supply-and-demand reality.

Thinking of the thousands of innocent animals that are put down each week, the millions and millions each year, in shelters across the U.S. ... and that's just in one country in the world. This is just a comparatively small step compared to all that we'd need done to cull this ever-growing problem of animal overpopulation. Remember: there are always other ways to get rid of a problem other than killing the problem animals that make it up. This is just one example ... Hopefully there are many more out there that I'm just not aware of. One can always hope.

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IT'S UPON US – say NO to HR-669!

As we commented on a little while back, the House Resolution #669 anti-exotic animal bill is going to be voted tomorrow, April 23. There's still time to act and make your voice heard if you have any idea what this bill would do to your animal ownership rights.

Once again: if you are an animal-lover and owner, this concerns YOU. If you possess any animal(s) that's labeled as an "exotic" animal, this especially concerns YOU. Anyone with a bird, mouse or rat, hamster or guinea pig, iguana or chameleon, turtle, snake, parrot or parakeet, gerbil or fennec fox, and countless others – ANY animal that isn't strictly native to the U.S. – is under direct threat from this bill. If passed, it could illegalize all ownership, breeding and transportation of exotic animals in America. Your animals would be taken away from you, and entire industries could suffer from the banning of common and crucial animals in the pet-trade and -care business.

Visit this site (NO HR 669.com) that's at the center of the struggle for freedom and justice, follow any links you can and do anything recommended that you're able to – stop the bill!

The government is seriously overstepping its bound. We as animal-lovers cannot allow this horrendous bill to pass through the House vote. You MUST act NOW. Come tomorrow, it will be too late, and history will have been made – for either the better, or the worse.

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More info on the Nonnative Wildlife Invasion Prevention Act

Here is another website dedicated to this issue. I will subsequently be e-mailing Defenders of Wildlife, The Humane Society, and the Nature Conservancy to report that they will no longer receive any support from me until they stop supporting bills that violate the Constitution and my rights. Apparently they'll support anything to achieve their goals despite the economic and social factors as well as our country's values.

For anyone who might potentially agree with this bill, essentially, the bill creates an 'approved' and a 'non approved' list for species that can potentially negatively impact 'the environment or the economy'. There is no way of determining what the standards are for such a label. I'm aware that some species have impacted the environment, but I don't trust this bill for a nano-second. There's no telling which species could end up on the 'un-approved list', or the intensity of the problem that they pose, which basically screws us pet owners out of a life passion over nothing. What makes me shake even more however, is that this bill and the support from these organizations is strong, while I can barely appoint any concern over outdoor cat roaming. It's a highly unnecessary practice practically glorified and required in Europe, and that mentality has extended itself here, where well-fed cats apparently need to torture and kill wildlife for fun in order to be 'well'. It's simple to see how that issue is at the very least, 100 percent equal to the issue of introduced wildlife, given that dogs and cats also can escape and breed in the wild. Are we going to ban them eventually? There is also the issue of introduced plant life. Chances are, most of the plants you see when you walk in the woods aren't native. And yet, pet owners are still under siege with proposals that we don't have the right to own animals AT ALL, due to the negligence of people who should have never had them. I'd easily support a bill that regulated animals to the point that only real owners got a hold of them. But to rip them away from all of us is just sickening.

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HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. Please Help. – HR-669 bill to illegalize all exotic animals in America!

Not less than soon after I finish giving myself a lecture about how the banning of certain wild cat ownership is largely unfounded, I get sent this urgent message from my chameleon breeder.

Anyways, I was made aware of a bill, that if passed, will affect all chameleon hobbyist. In a few words, chameleons along with other non-native pets will be banned. The Youtube video posted in the link below explains things much better.

Well that's just brilliant. More fascist propositions suggested from an unknown 'special interest group' (I'd REALLY like to know WHO), most likely 'left' leaning. Simply put, this just breaks my soul, and my hopes that they would overturn any illogical animal bans in other states. Because people are STILL trying to ban me from even owning an chameleon, no matter how fucking impossible it is that such an animal would harm the environment here, the animal itself, or whatever. These people will just coldly allow my life's passion to cease to exist, and for what? How many animals are actually harmful to the environment? I happen to know that a law that would restrict iguana ownership in Florida might be helpful, because those animals are running a muck down there (ironically, you can own tigers in many parts of FL) given the climate. I can understand banning/restricting monk parakeets, which have been highly successful in propagating even up in the frigid north. But to ban EVERYTHING? How on Earth could this be justified? Don't we have any rights?? PLEASE, follow this link and send a letter to your local legislators if you live in the US. I'm telling you this ban will include animals such as HAMSTERS, fish, and birds. So I won't even go on how banning fennec foxes is ludicrous since they pose zero threat, because now us animal enthusiasts are REALLY in trouble now.

So help, unless you agree with this ban, in which case take it up with me. I'll try not to use expletives/threats -_-

---

Hey, Joé here, intruding for a moment. Below is the aforementioned YouTube video.

• Details on the bill.
• Visit the anti-HR-669 website.

So in case you haven't figured this out: if you are an American and you own a clownfish or a zebrafish, an iguana or chameleon, a parrot or a parakeet, a fennec, a hamster or gerbil, then this affects you. Clearly: ANYONE who owns ANY animal that doesn't originally come from the US – ie. any animals that come from elsewhere but were brought to the US later when people became interested in them – will be affected by this HR-669 bill. It will be illegal to own these animals. It will be illegal to breed these animals, or to transport them. Basically, the only legal thing left, will be killing them. And that's exactly what law enforcement will to do anyone's animals that they find if the bill is passed. Any animals that loosely fits in the category of 'exotic' is in imminent danger.

Sorry for usurping Melissa's post, but this is too much. What a very sad day when bullshit like this horrendous and appalling bill make it to the legislature. I personally doubt it will get anywhere near finalized and approved – for fuck's sake, the gov't would see half the country turn on them in an instant, it would be no more than guaranteed political suicide, mass riots, a full-blown nightmare – but then, with the number of idiots in the world ... (Such as the abysmally stupid Democrat who now shames us all good liberals.)

For crissakes, anyone reading this, get out there and SAY NO!! Banning hamsters and fennecs and iguanas? Some of the most harmless creatures on the planet? What the FUCK?

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Animal Abuse: Man stabbed by his girlfriend after breaking her puppy's neck

This is an animal abuse story that ends on a ... well, not a good note. But at least there's some slight silver lining.

CLINTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A Michigan man who police say killed his girlfriend's 3-month-old puppy is charged with torturing an animal.

Police in Macomb County's Clinton Township, 15 miles northeast of Detroit, say the Yorkshire terrier puppy nipped at Omar Lathon-Bey's heels while he scuffled Monday night with his 26-year-old girlfriend. They say Lathon-Bey picked it up and twisted its neck.

The puppy was later euthanized early Tuesday at a vet clinic.

Anyway ... The silver lining I mentioned? The bastard was stabbed by said girlfriend. The prosecutors didn't even bother pressing charges on her. I wonder if they would've charged her if she'd killed him, though, considering that's alot closer to what I would've done myself if some asshole just broke my dog's neck like that for no reason.

Anyway, now this Omar Lathon-Bey was released on $10,000 bond until his April 20 preliminary hearing. Any overly outraged militant animal-lovers and people-haters in the area care to drop in and visit him? Pass by the nearby construction site to gather enough half-bricks.

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There are other ways to euthanize an ailing animal, man

This is a sad story: a man from Escondido, California, is under investigation for suspected animal cruelty. When Lucy, a 2-year-old Weimaraner was hit my multiple cars (poor thing ...), the man told everyone to get back, grabbed a 'hammer-like object', and proceeded to repeatedly strike the poor injured animal. He claims he was trying to euthanize her to end her suffering, but something's off here ...

Lucy was hit after escaping from a Valley Center home. Witnesses say they were trying to help the injured dog when the man ordered everyone to back away.

"She was screaming and bouncing around, and he was beating, beating, beating on her," Mike Goss said.

Lucy was soon shot by an officer, her injuries just too grave.

If he was trying to end her misery, why did he actually hurt her even more, beating on her like that?

Disturbing, story this is, but I can't quite decide if he's a failed hero or just another fucking animal abuser. What do you think, folks?

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Death-by-Laughter joke I found a while back ...

How to Give a Cat a Pill (followed by How to Give a Dog a Pill)

(Slightly rewritten by me)

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under the chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside fro gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take the taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force open mouth with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

15. Have the pound come fetch mutant cat from Hell and phone local pet shot to see if they have any bunnies.

* * * * *
How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap pill in bacon, toss into the air.

^{Original joke taken from Kefalonia Animal Trust.}

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Raging on his ex-girlfriend ... through her dog

Another cringe-inducingly disgusting case of animal cruelty. A 21-year-old West Valley City brute, who's name isn't disclosed (probably good – for him), chose to take out his frustrations against his ex-girlfriend ... on her puppy.

A 21-year-old West Valley City man was charged Wednesday with torture of an animal for allegedly beating, stomping on and throwing his ex-girlfriend's puppy against a wall.

The alleged abuse occurred March 21 at a home near 6200 West Highgate Avenue (3600 South), charging documents state.

A relative of the man told police she could hear the sounds of banging in the basement and the dog yelping before the man came upstairs carrying the unconscious puppy. The man then swung the puppy around by the legs and threw it against a wall before jumping on it and beating it with a skateboard and a tennis racket, charging documents state.

The man also threatened to return the dog to his ex-girlfriend when it was dead and left several voice messages on her cell phone while he was allegedly hurting the dog.

The ex-girlfriend later took the puppy to a veterinarian who said the animal's eye was severely damaged and it suffered from an inflamed brain. It also had marks on its eyes and nose that looked like it had been hit several times, court documents state.

The man was charged with torture of a companion animal, a third-degree felony. He was booked into the Salt Lake County jail Sunday and is being held on a $10,000 cash-only bond.

Disgusting fuck. May a Rottweiler rip his face of. (How poetically just would it be if it were the same dog he'd nearly killed.)

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