All jokes, good and bad

Just a few random jokes I've come across in this Pharyngula thread, from the genuinely funny to the pathetically lame, and one or two in between.

First up, the subject of Dr. Myers' latest entry (as I write this): a stunningly lame joke used against atheists by smug twits who apparently seem to view it as a true knockout blow. (No pun intended.)

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, '"Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

That joke is painful on a number of levels, none of which is the one it's obviously originally intended for. First, it portrays atheist college professors as time-wasting atheists with nothing better to do than defy curriculum and do ... well, nothing, for 15 minutes or more just to brag about God's inexistence. Then, it shows the Marine as the proud and dignified serviceman who does the "right" thing by walking up and just beating a guy unconscious just because he said or did something the Marine didn't like.

And of course, then there's the point of the Marine apparently having auditory hallucinations, if he actually heard God tell him to go and knock the professor off his platform. This, because God was "too busy" (contradicting his supposed omnipotence) by "protecting American soldiers". Right. Tell that to the families of the over four thousand dead troops – in Iraq alone. You will really heal all their wounds, letting them know that God's watching over them. Despite them being, well, dead and all.

One good thing I can say about it though – it certainly isn't about to convert any more Christians, or crush any atheists. It just illustrates the age-old truth of the religious being far more violent and dangerous than atheists have ever been and (hopefully) ever will be.

One of Myers' commentors has posted a revised and rather more accurate version of the same joke. (Modifications to the joke in dark blue; I've fixed the formatting and a typo or two.)

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God. I’m still waiting.” It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America ’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an ass. So, He sent me.”

The Marine was quickly arrested by campus security and taken to the local police station. He was tried and convicted of assault and battery. He served a two-year sentence and was dishonorably discharged from the Corps. The professor also sued him for the medical expenses of the concussion, cranial trauma, and spinal damage he received from the punch. The ex-Marine now works at McDonald's, drinks heavily, and regularly beats his wife and children.

Rather more lifelike, if not funnier.

Next, a neat little joke about ... uh ... Christian tableside manners, I suppose.

An atheist is wandering through the forest and looking for mushrooms. Every time he finds one, he admires its beauty and the wonder of the natural world. Then he takes some snapshots. He eventually finds a nice lake and starts walking towards it.
He rounds a corner and is terrified to see a bear.
The bear growls and bolts towards him. Because he is so frightened, he runs.
And runs.
And runs.
Looking back, he sees that the bear is still there. In fact, it's gaining.
The atheist runs and runs and runs and he can hear the bear getting closer.
While looking back, he trips on a root and falls backwards.
The bear is upon him and it raises a clawed hand to strike.
The atheist gasps "Oh God!"
And time stops.
YES?
"Uhm, errrr."
YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE IN ME, BUT NOW IT SEEMS THAT YOU DO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
"Well," says the atheist. "I'm going to die."
SO? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?
The atheist gets an idea:
"Well, I have no idea whether you're the Christian God , and I'd rather live than convert on my deathbed...
Could you make the bear a Christian?"
OK.
And suddenly time resumes.
And the bear, which has its paw in the air stops, blinks a few times, and slowly drops its paw to its chest.
Where it meets with the palm of its other paw.
And the bear says:

"For what we are about to receive, may we be truly grateful. Amen."

I'd originally misread that one, making it rather less funny than it is when you think it's actually talking about Christianity in a good light.

And finally, one last little joke I can't help but smile knowingly at every time I reach the end.

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the Marine standing guard and says, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine replies, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man says, "Okay," and walks away.

The following day, the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again tells the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The man thanks him and again walks away.

The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answers, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "See you tomorrow."

=)