Monday, June 15, 2009

Ben Stein is knee-deep in shit! Literally!

But that Nirvana-esque pleasure comes at the expense of one of the strangest commercials I've ever seen – or heard of, at least. In an effort to compete with the ever-effective "Get a Mac" commercial campaign, the creators of OpenBSD, a Linux-like security-based and open-source (aka, free) OS, are launching their own commercial, featuring none other than Vin Diesel as OpenBSD, Yoko Ono as Mac, and for a PC ... Ben Stein. Truly, although this severely depreciates PCs in my mind, there's no better personification for the ever-clunky and vulnerable Windows than Stein.

I've transcribed the commercial below in script form for length's sakes. And because I like writing in script form. Heh.

OPENBSD is sitting in a Lamborghini with a Gatling gun mounted on the top.

What have you got there, Mac?

Camera FOCUSES on a dazed MAC, who has a wheelbarrow brimming with cash. The money vanishes, replaced with a MacBook.

(caressing the MacBook)
Ooooh, so pretty!
(beat; singsong voice)
I'm an artist, you know. Yes, an artist and –

She swallows a large handful of pills.


The famous wife of John Lennon strips off her clothing, and goes berserk in a disjointed performance of lunges, gyrations and somersaults. She sings while whipping herself viciously with the cord of an Apple MagSafe power adapter.

I'm a cat. I'm a kitty-cat! And I dance, dance, and I *whip* *whip* *whip*!

She finally ends her routine in a tendon-wrenching split, nude and bloodied. She stares at the camera, wide-eyed.

I'm a Mac, and I killed the Beatles.

The camera finally RETURNS to a skeptical-looking OpenBSD.

That's nice, Mac. And what are you up to, PC?

We see PC knee-deep in sludge at the bottom of a porta-potty tank. PC waves up at the camera.

Hey there, OpenBSD!

OpenBSD wrinkles his nose in disgust.

Uh, what are you doing down there, PC?

In response, PC scoops up a hearty mass of brown goop. He holds it close to his face.

I'm trying out Vista!

PC then buries his face in sewage, pulls out gasping and choking, and then vomits down the front of his shirt.

That ... doesn't look very healthy, PC. I've heard some pretty bad things about Vista.

Visibly shaken, PC gathers himself.

Yeah, Vista is bad, evolution is real, and I just traded the last unicorn for a bag of magic beans. Wake up, OpenBSD! There's a whole wide world out here!

PC stretches his arms wide in the dark confines of the porta-potty's waste tank.

A flabbergasted OpenBSD is about to respond when a fat man with a chili-stained white tank top enters the portable toilet. The door closes, somewhat muffling PC's voice.

Alright, here comes Windows 7!

Camera RETURNS to OpenBSD, sitting back in his Lamborghini with a casual hand on the wheel. He looks straight ahead.

I think it's about time we get out of here ... what do you say, Doc?

The view SHIFTS to the passenger seat, revealing an excited DOC (from the Back to the Future series) in his characteristic lab coat.

How fast can you get this baby up to 88 miles per hour?

They exchange knowing smiles and don reflective sunglasses in unison. OpenBSD guns the engine, spins up the Gatling gun, and they race into the distance. The Lamborghini then disappears in a burst of mysterious energy, which coalesces into the shape of the OPENBSD PUFFER FISH LOGO.

SUPER – OpenBSD: Take Back Your Future


Even the Japanese would wonder what the hell was in the weed that the writers of this commercial undeniably puffed on while creating it.

But ... we saw BEN STEIN IN SHIT! =D That alone makes up for the rest of the disturbingly strange spot.

(Oh, and I still won't get OpenBSD.)


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