Ben Stein is knee-deep in shit! Literally!

But that Nirvana-esque pleasure comes at the expense of one of the strangest commercials I've ever seen – or heard of, at least. In an effort to compete with the ever-effective "Get a Mac" commercial campaign, the creators of OpenBSD, a Linux-like security-based and open-source (aka, free) OS, are launching their own commercial, featuring none other than Vin Diesel as OpenBSD, Yoko Ono as Mac, and for a PC ... Ben Stein. Truly, although this severely depreciates PCs in my mind, there's no better personification for the ever-clunky and vulnerable Windows than Stein.

I've transcribed the commercial below in script form for length's sakes. And because I like writing in script form. Heh.

OPENBSD is sitting in a Lamborghini with a Gatling gun mounted on the top.

OPENBSD
What have you got there, Mac?

Camera FOCUSES on a dazed MAC, who has a wheelbarrow brimming with cash. The money vanishes, replaced with a MacBook.

MAC
(caressing the MacBook)
Ooooh, so pretty!
(beat; singsong voice)
I'm an artist, you know. Yes, an artist and –

She swallows a large handful of pills.

MAC
— a LEOPARD!

The famous wife of John Lennon strips off her clothing, and goes berserk in a disjointed performance of lunges, gyrations and somersaults. She sings while whipping herself viciously with the cord of an Apple MagSafe power adapter.

MAC
I'm a cat. I'm a kitty-cat! And I dance, dance, and I *whip* *whip* *whip*!

She finally ends her routine in a tendon-wrenching split, nude and bloodied. She stares at the camera, wide-eyed.

MAC
I'm a Mac, and I killed the Beatles.

The camera finally RETURNS to a skeptical-looking OpenBSD.

OPENBSD
(condescendingly)
That's nice, Mac. And what are you up to, PC?

We see PC knee-deep in sludge at the bottom of a porta-potty tank. PC waves up at the camera.

PC
Hey there, OpenBSD!

OpenBSD wrinkles his nose in disgust.

OPENBSD
Uh, what are you doing down there, PC?

In response, PC scoops up a hearty mass of brown goop. He holds it close to his face.

PC
I'm trying out Vista!

PC then buries his face in sewage, pulls out gasping and choking, and then vomits down the front of his shirt.

OPENBSD
(aghast)
That ... doesn't look very healthy, PC. I've heard some pretty bad things about Vista.

Visibly shaken, PC gathers himself.

PC
(sarcastically)
Yeah, Vista is bad, evolution is real, and I just traded the last unicorn for a bag of magic beans. Wake up, OpenBSD! There's a whole wide world out here!

PC stretches his arms wide in the dark confines of the porta-potty's waste tank.

A flabbergasted OpenBSD is about to respond when a fat man with a chili-stained white tank top enters the portable toilet. The door closes, somewhat muffling PC's voice.

PC
Alright, here comes Windows 7!

Camera RETURNS to OpenBSD, sitting back in his Lamborghini with a casual hand on the wheel. He looks straight ahead.

OPENBSD
I think it's about time we get out of here ... what do you say, Doc?

The view SHIFTS to the passenger seat, revealing an excited DOC (from the Back to the Future series) in his characteristic lab coat.

DOC
How fast can you get this baby up to 88 miles per hour?

They exchange knowing smiles and don reflective sunglasses in unison. OpenBSD guns the engine, spins up the Gatling gun, and they race into the distance. The Lamborghini then disappears in a burst of mysterious energy, which coalesces into the shape of the OPENBSD PUFFER FISH LOGO.

SUPER – OpenBSD: Take Back Your Future

FADE TO BLACK.

Even the Japanese would wonder what the hell was in the weed that the writers of this commercial undeniably puffed on while creating it.

But ... we saw BEN STEIN IN SHIT! =D That alone makes up for the rest of the disturbingly strange spot.

(Oh, and I still won't get OpenBSD.)

Continued ...»

Best ... video ... EVAR

I knew roaming random forums wasn't a total waste of time. For example, it allows me to come across videos like this one. You know, the kind that YouTube was arguably made for.

These guys win teh Internetz.

Continued ...»

Wolfram|Alpha: self-aware, general pundit, and prankster

My new favorite Internet toy has only just launched, and already it's showing traits that indicate it might not be that far from Skynet, after all, despite its creators' claims to the contrary. (Always a conspiracy ...)

Q: What is your name?
A: My name is Wolfram|Alpha.
[Hmm ... First step to self-awareness is self-identity ... o_o]

Q: What's the speed of an unladen swallow?
A: there is unfortunately insufficient data to estimate the velocity of an African swallow (even if you specified which of the 47 species of swallow found in Africa you meant)
(asked of a general swallow (but not answered) in Monty Python's Holy Grail.)
[Ooh, so W|A knows Monty Python!]

Q: Hello.
A: Hello, human.
[Bit condescending, aren't we ...?]

Q: What is the answer to life?
A: 42
[Forty ... two ...?]
(Google.com has the same answer to the query "What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?".)

Q: To be or not to be
A: ...that is the question.
(according to the William Shakespeare)
[So W|A's a playwright, too?]

Q: how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a A: woodchuck could chuck wood?
a woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood
(according to the tongue-twister)
[Okay, I gotta admit, that was my favorite.]

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Angels are pure intelligences, not material, but limited, so that they have location in space, but not extension. Therefore, an infinity of angels can be located on the head of a pin.
(according to Dorothy Sayers (who also maintains that the question is simply a debating exercise))
[A religious expert, too?]

Q: 88MPH
A: 88 mph (miles per hour)
[...]
Comparisons as speed:
= speed at which Marty McFly needed to drive the Delorean DMC-12 in order to time travel ( 88 mph )
[Wow, this guy knows movies ...]

Q: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
A: 3
(according to Tootsie Pop commercials)
[Answering all those important questions ...]

Q: Are you self-aware?
A: I am capable of universal computation; that I can say.
[Hmm ... sneaky.]

(See Mashable.com's Top 10 Wolfram|Alpha Easter Eggs, and 10 Even Better Wolfram|Alpha Easter Eggs, for a few more neat tricks and gags this mother can deliver.)

Continued ...»

From Alpha to Omega ...

This is it: Wolfram|Alpha has arrived. This is what's gonna keep this geek awake for way more hours than his circadian rhythm allows. (Don't forget to start with this introductory video that demonstrates just what this mother of Internet resources can do.)

Continued ...»

OOOOH I CAN'T WAIT =D =D

Oh God, I'm having a geeky thrill overload. In just over a week, I'll finally be able to see what the mythical Wolfram Alpha Internet search answer engine can do ... and if the previews and pre-release reviews and critiques hold true (and there are quite a few of them), it's gonna totally revolutionize the fucking Internet. You can say goodbye to Google ... Maybe.

Continued ...»

China: Crackers or Not Crackers?

Sorry for the lame title, I'm at a serious lack of inspiration here. Anyway, you will probably recall the recent craze of reports over GhostNet, the Chinese computer cracking organization that took control of nearly 1,300 computers in 103 countries, from governmental institutions to even the exiled Dalai Llama's personal stuff. Now China's facing charges that it knew of, and even condoned, this spy network's activities, and of course is denying them. (You know how they're used to denying charges and accusations by now.)

"Some people in foreign countries are keen to make up rumors about so-called Chinese Internet spies," foreign ministry spokesman Qin Gang said at a briefing Tuesday. "Their statements are entirely fabricated."

China opposes hacking and other attacks on computer networks, Qin said.

Attackers used GhostNet to steal documents from targets including international institutions and foreign ministries of other countries, according to the report. The attackers gained full access to affected computers, including control of attached microphones and Web cams that could have been used to monitor nearby activity.

It's not like China's got a clean record in this stuff. (Understatement of the millenium.) Human Rights violations, dictatorial leadership and international spying charges are piling up faster than their reputation is going down (wait, is that a non-sequitor?), and Lord knows that behind their rat-faced refutations and attempts at acting offended lies the fact that most of those charges are undeniably true.

I'm not saying GhostNet was allowed to function until it was discovered (it sure as Hell benefited the Chinese government, the ratty little ferrets they are). I'm saying it sure as Hell wouldn't surprise me if they had. I'd even bet my money on it. With all the Chinese spies being uncovered in Canada and America alone, let alone the rest of the world, it wouldn't be all that surprising that they've made the jump to computer-based prying into others' affairs for their own dirty deeds.

So, a brief recap, just for the fun of jogging my memory: in recent weeks alone, we've had Chinese officials jail innocent bloggers for speaking out against corrupt governments, attack US military ships, block much of the Internet to its populations, let abuse, torture and other atrocities go unpunished in jails, send spies around the world in organisations and companies, let lead-poisoned food and toys leave the country unrestrained, force respectable firms to close down for daring to defend the humane rights of outspoken activists against the disgusting excuse for a government, pretend to act all offended at these claims when irrefutible evidence keeps surfacing all over the place, and now, set a group of Internet crackers upon the world to gain sensitive and classified information from over a hundred countries, governments and organisations, including that oh-so-hated Dalai Llama ...

And they're being hailed as the next economic superpower.

God help us.

Continued ...»

Enemies of the Internet

Reading newspapers isn't totally useless after all; for example, if I didn't read Le Journal de Montréal, I wouldn't have come across this article concerning countries deemed by Reporters Without Borders as being 'Enemies of the Internet'. There are also ten more countries called 'under surveillance' by RWB, including Australia and South Korea.

[Translated by me from the original French]

The twelve "Enemies of the Internet", classified by the organization for the defense and liberty of the press, are Saudi Arabia, Burma, China, North Korea, Cuba, Egypt, Iran, Syria, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Vietnam. "All have transformed their network into an Intranet, stopping internauts from accessing information judged as undesirable –" and have put in a place a "quasi-systematic repression against internauts who spread" such information, states RWB.

You can't say that this is really surprising, knowing what shitholes those countries are in the first place. I sorely pity those poor folk.

Of course, it will come as no surprise that the "People's Republic" of China is the worst offender here, as they imprison the most cyber-dissidents of them all (49), followed by Vietnam (7) and Iran (4). Yet those stupid two-faced rats keep getting angry whenever we point out these facts. Idiotic hypocrites.

All in all, RWB have learned of 69 people that've been imprisoned throughout these countries 'for having expressed themselves freely over the Internet'.

In addition to these worst 'Enemies of the Internet', RWB have categorized ten States as being 'under surveillance' for having 'adopted worrisome measures that could open the door to abuses': Australia, Bahrain, Belarus, South Korea, the United Arabian Emirates, Erythraea, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Thailand and Zimbabwe.

Australia is included due to a law project, discussed since 2006, "which would impose on all service providers filtering each domain's connexion to remove all inappropriate, in the name of the struggle against pedo-pornography and defamation and the defense of copyrights".

Ain't that just great, Aussies? Who knows, maybe you'll have Britain-esque anti-defamation laws soon.

Not that South Korea is much better; if anything, it's even worse, as RWB accuses SK of using "disproportionate methods of regulation". Many will remember the January 07, 2009 arresting of a South Korean blogger, his "crimes" being affecting "economic exchanges in the markets" and the "credibility of the nation" (wait, they had any?) due to economic articles he'd published on a public discussion forum.

He's now facing up to five years in prison, just for sharing random information. It's not like he stole blueprints to a power plant or divulged some top-secret codes; he just shared random market information. Apparently that's enough to throw him behind bars to rot for the next half-a-decade. Sigh.

Source: Le Journal de Montreal, p. 17 / Thursday, March 12, 2009

Continued ...»