Thursday, March 26, 2009

Death-by-Laughter joke I found a while back ...

How to Give a Cat a Pill (followed by How to Give a Dog a Pill)

(Slightly rewritten by me)

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under the chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside fro gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take the taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force open mouth with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

15. Have the pound come fetch mutant cat from Hell and phone local pet shot to see if they have any bunnies.

* * * * *
How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap pill in bacon, toss into the air.

Original joke taken from Kefalonia Animal Trust.


Post a Comment

You can post any sort of feedback or questions you like, just as long as you abide by the rules detailed in the About section. =)